The Bedroom Ban: Finding Myself… One Awkward Date at a Time by Dani Elias

One accidental night. One unexpected baby. Absolutely no plan. What could possibly go wrong?
Geoff
After two decades of glamorous chaos, I’ve retired from photographing beautiful people in beautiful places and taken a job teaching teenagers who think I’m prehistoric. I’m also dealing with some inconvenient medical realities that have forced me to reassess… well, everything. Then one very memorable night turns into something far more permanent. Now Christa is pregnant. With my baby. We’re living together because it makes sense. We are not a couple. We are being mature adults about this. Apart from the part where I can’t stop noticing how she takes her crumpets.
Christa
My fiancé ended our engagement at forty-three because he “wasn’t ready.” So naturally I slept with Geoff. One time. That was it. Now I’m pregnant, temporarily sharing a flat with a man who is far more thoughtful than he has any right to be, and trying to convince everyone – including myself – that this is strictly practical. He’s sorting out his health. I’m sorting out my life. We’re just friends. Friends who co-parent before the baby’s even born. Friends who absolutely do not stare at each other across the breakfast table.
The Bedroom Ban is a laugh-out-loud midlife romcom about forced proximity, found family, unexpected parenthood, men’s health, emotional growth, and two stubborn adults who swear they’re only in this together for sensible reasons. There will be chaos. There will be crumpets. There will be feelings no one agreed to.
Heads up: this book comes with a naughty twist of adult content. Set in England and penned in British English. It is a standalone in an interconnecting world.
Table of Contents
Content Warning
Dedication
1. Erection in Retrograde
2. Present, Alert and Apparently Delighted
3. Recalibrating in Silence
4. Pea-Lime Is in the House
5. Fringe-gate
6. Ambitious and Deeply Uneven
7. Overly Dramatic Dick
8. Dick Advice from Pee-Pee
9. The Chihuahua, the Micro Dick and the Explosions
10. Masterclass in Feelings
11. Help for ODD
12. Officially Happy. Mildly Terrified.
13. Goblin Life
14. It’s not romantic
15. My House Goblin
16. Goblin-approved Escape Plan
17. Pea-Lime Punishment
18. Financial Cold War
19. Conscience with Better Hair
20. Headbutted from the Inside
21. Nice doesn’t make the Bed shake
22. Squirty Cream
23. Feeling Occupied
24. Rearranging your Life around Erections
25. Comfortable vs Dependable
26. Award for Strongest Argument
27. Licky Licky
28. Dick Unmoved
29. Hormone-Induced. Entirely Non-Emotional.
30. Denying a Pregnant Woman Cake
31. Resurrection
32. Pish Posh, Call Me Elizabeth
33. The Wisdom of Elizabeth Corbin
34. Least Seductive Phrasing Available in the English Language
35. It Just…Happened
36. Lust Shouts. Love Stays.
37. Rainbow Unicorn
More from Dani Elias
Latest Books

His to Defend by Emma Bray

Echoes of Shattered Light by Sarah Bowen

Sinning with Fire by Tamara Rene

Dance Practice, Cancelled: Part 1 by Bella Jewel

Rook’s Vow by Sable Creed

So Pucking Magnetic by Jena Wade

Mate Matched: Xavier & Brady by Jax Stuart

Igniting Forever by Crystal Nichols

