Disabling Relics for Dummies by JB Trepagnier

There is a cornucopia of cursed objects from one of the most dangerous cults ever headed my way and I’ve never been more excited.
My twin sister, Ripley, says when your hot wolfy archaeologist exboyfriend, who likes to cosplay as Indiana Jones in the most non ironic way, shows up again, you do not add to cart. But he’s been doing digs in Norway and Ireland at the ruins of the site where one of the most dangerous cults ever met their end. He’s bringing me toys. Lots of nice, cursed toys.
One of these items is the most curious puzzle box. There are layers of curses to unravel to get to what’s inside. Maybe I’m stupid, but I’m dying to know what was so important to the Cult of the Aether Sisters that they stuck it in this box behind this much protection and buried it under ground.
Everyone is warning me not to. I should have listened.